last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
