i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Randomize
