Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize