4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
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