His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
