Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
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