bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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