then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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