Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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