we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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