you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
