see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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