the condom got lost in my hair
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
This toilet bowl is my home.
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