I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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