the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
