what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
