I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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