GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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