What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
