I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
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they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
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Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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