At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Randomize
