I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
