Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize