i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
