Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
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I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
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Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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