while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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