I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
this beer tastes like vomit already
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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