I have demons in me.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize
