I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Randomize
