I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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