...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
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