Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
