what day is it and did you see me today?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
