i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
