Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
