Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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