I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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