can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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