I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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