Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
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