you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
