What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
