i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
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