i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
