it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I love you.
Bad choice
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
