dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
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So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
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HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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