so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I'm passing your future prison.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
