they need to just BURY HIM!
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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