Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
