If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
