someone threw a dead crab at me
My underwear smells like fireworks.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
