I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
