You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
