take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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