I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
