So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
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i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
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i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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