Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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