You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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